Please, Let Me Have My Pain

I haven't written on this blog in awhile.  Been feeling like I've been hiding my feelings a lot recently and I thought blogging here would help me move out of my comfort zone today.  I'm ready to take some positive risks.

I recently lost my goldfish, Tortuga.  He was quite possibly THE best goldfish I have ever had... and I loved him SO SO much.  I've been feeling a lot of shyness and even embarrassment come forward when it has come to telling people about this loss.  In my head I keep telling myself that he was just a fish and I shouldn't be so upset about burying him this week...but I loved him SO SO much.  And I really miss him.  I didn't think I would miss my fish this much.  But I saw him everyday... Everyday I fed him and everyday he'd do this little dance every time I put my face near his bowl... maybe it was just because he thought I was going to feed him so he was begging or maybe he really liked me... either way, his special dance made me feel really good.  He made me smile.  And I miss that.  I really REALLY miss that.  Pets truly are something special... and right now, I really miss being a pet owner.

Today, given this fresh loss and the fact that it was 9/11, I felt pretty somber.  Grieving can be pretty challenging... because my pain can sometimes lead me to believe that I'm all alone in my sorrow.  But today, I know I'm not alone.  I keep wanting to dumb down my recent loss... like I'm trying to talk myself out of grieving for my fish.  I'd say it was easier when I lost my Dad and had to mourn the loss of my father in my life, but honestly... it was hard then too.  It's hard to share my grief.  I have this feeling like I don't want to "bring everybody down" or something.  And I definitely don't want anyone to feel like they have to "cheer me up".  But I have to share my sadness in some way, shape or form or else I'll just explode.  And today reminded me that we're all unified in our sorrow.  We all have something or someone that we miss, we mourn and we long for.  Lately, within myself I just keep hearing the phrase "Please, let me have my pain..."  Yet, Ive been ignoring that heartfelt request... and this blog is my attempt at understanding why I've been making that choice.  Why have I been doing my best to ignore my pain???

 

So I was sad today, as I've been sad most this week and I've been trying to tell myself that that is MORE THAN OKAY.  But I feel a lot of resistance when I feel deep sorrow, from others as well as from myself.  Why is this???  Recently I was discussing loss with a close friend and we were complaining about how people always want to make the loss okay... like they don't want us to be sad.  Some choice phrases being: "Your loved one is in a better place... He isn't in any pain anymore... His suffering is over... etc."  We were talking about how we understood that the person is acting from a loving place when they tell us these things, yet we're frustrated by the underlying message in our friend's seemingly comforting words.  It feels like the message is that we shouldn't be SO sad.  Like the reality of losing a loved one isn't so bad, we can bypass the mourning and stick to gratitude like a life saver floating over our sea of tears.  Like there's something wrong or dangerous with acknowledging and really feeling loss.  Like we should let others "cheer us up" and not feel sad because it makes other people feel uncomfortable, and even powerless.  Like there's a danger in just letting the feelings wash over us and find ourselves saying: "This really sucks."  Why is that dangerous? What's so wrong with acknowledging that things don't always work out the way we wish they would?  What makes our society so against feeling?  What's wrong with acknowledging when things just fucking suck?  Why do we have to cheer up?

A way this has been manifesting itself in my perception would be this holiday the media has been trying to create out of this infamous day in history.  They want us to call 9/11 "Patriot Day".  Wikipedia writes that "It is a discretionary day of remembrance." It was former President Bush's call that made the name Patriot Day.  Now, I am all for looking at the positive things that can come from a terrible tragedy... I believe that beautiful things can come from some of the worst events imaginable... but Patriot Day???  How is this name supposed to help us remember that day better?  Do any of us need a reminder or how huge that day felt?  It feels like the name "Patriot Day" is a subtle ploy for our nation to focus on being Patriotic and being just for our own country and no one else.  How will we experience unity when we're only concentrating on unifying our country and ignoring the rest of the world?  Why can't we just be sad about an enormous wound that's been inflicted on our people?  Why do we have to call it something else?  Why can't we just call it what we've always called it, admit that it sucks and feel crappy about it?  Why can't we simply honor what happened and pray that we've learned from it?  Why can't we just have our pain? 

In short, I believe this name attempts to "clean up" the horrors and loss of that day.  I feel no comfort from this title.  I feel the name denies what pain we all felt together that day.  I feel the name was former President Bush's attempt at "making it all better".  And I don't think the name change of that day can do that.  No one can make it all better because no one can take back what happened that day.  And I acknowledge that this title change stirred up much anger in me because it mirrored how I was talking myself out of my own pain and suffering.  It mirrored how I wanted to "pretty up" all my pain by not sharing it.  Well fuck that.  I don't believe that growth can thrive when it is based in some form of denial.  Within myself, growth thrives when I am emotionally honest.  I grow when I take a stand, open my mouth and speak my loving truth.  I grow when I acknowledge my reality, honor it and cherish it or change it.  I grow when I let the hurt out, one crying spell at a time.  I grow when I acknowledge what a beautiful mess I am and what a beautiful mess this world is.  I grow when I listen to others with compassion and understanding.  And I grow with emotional honesty.  And honestly... 

TODAY FUCKING SUCKED.

And it feels good to admit that.  It's not to say that the entirety of the days events were not fun or uplifting... just inside of me, today sucked... and I was sad.  And it's not a sadness that anyone except myself and God can truly heal.  It's up to me.  So, if you see me anytime soon, do me a favor?  Don't try to cheer me up.  I'll get there in my own time... really, I will.  I promise.  I say this to you for now and plan on repeating it to myself for awhile: "Please, let me have my pain..."  This blog is my first attempt at this... I plan on more attempts in the recent future.  God please help me to be open.  Help me to be emotionally honest.  Help me feel my pain.     

An Architect of Loving Revolution

"Do you still believe in all the things that you stood by before? / Are you out there on the front lines, or at home keeping score? / Do you care to be the layer of the bricks that seal your fate? / Would you rather be the architect of what we might create? / Don't you remember when you were young, and you wanted to set the world on fire? / Somewhere deep down, I know you do. / And don't you remember when we were young, and we wanted to set the world on fire? / 'Cause I still am, and I still do. / Make no mistake, we're not afraid / To bear the burden of repeating / What they're thinking anyway. / Let's raise the stakes on the bet we made. / Let's decide to be the architects, the masters of our fate. / Yeah, we still believe in all the things that we stood by before. / I know, to everything we've seen here, maybe even more. / I know we're not the only ones and we were not the first. / And unapologetically we stand behind each word."

This is a song by a band named Rise Against.  And this song inspired this next entry in this blog as it set my mind and heart aflame with the dreams I had as a teenager.  When I was sixteen or so, like most teens, I was going through a very emotionally tumultuous time in my life.  My parents were moving through a divorce, my brother was away at college, and my Mom and I couldn't talk to one another without one of us walking away feeling angry and misunderstood.  I also had just experienced my first loss of a close relative, my grandmother.  In short, things really sucked.  Plus, I was a teenager filled with a pretty decent level of angst, anger and, let's be honest here, self pity already... and I was also facing a lot of challenging situations - I wasn't sure how I was going to make it.  

How did I get through it?  

Honestly... music.  Music got me through it.  Music was my savior.  Sixteen was also the age I was when I really started acknowledging how much music meant to me.  I listened to bands that seemed just as angry and disappointed at life as I did.  My companions at the time were bands like The Suicide Machines, Alkaline Trio, Marilyn Manson, Thursday, AFI, Saves the Day... if they were angry or angry sounding, I was with them! There was a fire deep within my belly and these bands helped me stoke the flames.  The understanding I felt from these artists gave me warmth and hope to cling to when I really needed it.  

And the song I used to open this blog reminded me of that fire I felt all the time when I was a teen.  When I first heard the song, I saw my 16 year old self jumping around, singing, dancing and reveling in her passion, unafraid and unhinged with a great big smile on her face.  This song reminded me of how passionate I was when I was a teenager and how I wanted to set the world on fire!! And the song was right, I totally still do!!! Yet, somehow I let life get in the way of this dream.

This past week, I felt frustrated and panicked.  Each day I kept feeling like there was something I didn't complete... I'd look at my list of priorities for the day and they would all be checked off yet I felt empty.  I just couldn't shake the feeling that I was missing something.  Perhaps that feeling stems from my 16 year old self, sitting and waiting for me to write and check off: "Set the world on fire" on my To-Do List.  It feels like that dream somehow became less practical as I grew up so it never made it on my priority list.  

But this song reminded me that I still want to make a difference in the world.  I want my life to not just be meaningful but to feel meaningful.  I want to play a part in beauty, love and truth.  I want to be a revolutionary.  Somehow, in modern times, it feels like the true revolution is more internal than external.  In the past, if I wanted to join a revolution, I would be able to pick up a gun and join an army in a physical manifestation of a revolution.  Yet, these days, it seems the real battle begins in the heart.  How does that quote go? "Be the change you wish to see in the world."  

The change I want to see is loving... just more loving.  More acceptance.  Less fear.  Less judgment.  More understanding.  More reverence.  More hugging.  More cuddling.  More smiles.  More embraces.  More connections.  More closeness.  More trust.  More caring honesty.  More listening.  More emoting.  More processing.  More peace.  More serenity.  More unity.  I want more... more of the good stuff.  And this song reminded me... that's what I've always wanted.  And that's how I can be a revolutionary... by accepting and owning that I am an architect of loving revolution.  I love this title!!! It carries so much momentum and care... I really love it! 

I can choose to build how I want to feel in my life no matter where I am.  This week, I just kept feeling like I should be looking into a career, I should know what I'm doing with my life, I should know where I'm going in life... the chorus of shoulds echoed in my ears trying to drown out the sound of my heart.  It was a rough week in my head, it really was.  I felt quite hopeless and desperate for answers.  And how do I feel now?  I feel like I want to own myself as an architect of loving revolution... I want to build loving within myself and bring loving and healing into focus once again so that where I am in my life doesn't matter.  It's who I am and how I am within myself that matters.  It's not about my career or my life path or my future... I can and I do make a difference now.

It can be hard trying to carry these truths with me while I work in retail... yet it's funny that I am still in a business of service and helping people - just in a very different way than I ever thought when I was a teenager.  I can make a difference now and I do make a difference now... with who I am, how I am and with this blog.  

I would also like to take this opportunity to say and own that it is my intention to continue writing on this blog long after this Lent is over.  I feel this blog has done so much for me and my heart and mind and I would like to continue that journey.  I want to keep uncovering my potential everyday and this blog helps me do just that.  It helps me stay connected to that passion I've been discussing... it helps me own that fire within me.  It helps me fan the flames so the warmth can fuel my hope and love.  

I want to live with the passion I felt as a teenager... everyday.  I feel I need and want to sit down with this part of myself and discuss all I've written here.  I want to discuss what my dreams were, what my dreams are now and how I may be able to achieve them in my reality today.  Because I feel like my 16 year old self had a much more dramatic picture of what I would look like as a 28 year old revolutionary... and I'd like to set the record straight and acknowledge, own and honor who I am today - a head strong, dedicated, imperfect student of light and healing with a fire of hope in her belly that can never be extinguished.  I still believe in all the things that I stood by before... and I'm ready to own that within myself.  I'll let you know how this part of the journey goes.  Wish me luck. :)               

Leaning Towards the Light

Can't sleep.  Been staring at the ceiling wondering why I can't fall asleep.  Thinking about my blog.  Wondering why more people don't comment on it.  Wondering why I wonder about the number of people reading  and commenting on my blog.  Asking myself, am I doing this for me or so others can look at me and go, "Whoa! Look at her!"???  And is my grammar and punctuation just completely atrocious on this thing??? Thank the Universe for spell check or else atrocious would've just been spelled "atroscious".  HA!

This is going to be quite the raw blog, I can already tell.  I'm punchy, verbose and full of energy with nothing but my PC, a cup of tea and my pajamas to comfort me.  Did that rhyme? Anyhow I feel the way I am writing at this very moment is precisely why I wanted to give up hiding this Lent... I like how I write.  I like how I think.  I like reading what I write and think.  Is that arrogant?  I don't know...

Made a trial mixed cd for a close friend tonight.  It's reeeeeally good.  I'm excited to give it a test drive tomorrow to see if my original assumption is accurate.  The name of the mix is actually the name of this blog.  Hence why I couldn't sleep... I just kept thinking about the cd and my blog and wanted to fuckin' write just for the the sake of fuckin' writing.  Do you ever feel like most of your thoughts are adopted from movies or books or songs?  That's kind of how I feel MOST OF THE TIME I write.  I'll be writing... clippety clippety clap... and then I'll stop for a moment and prize myself for some of my witty banter... yay me yay... and then I'll stop again and ask myself... waiiiiiit. did i really just write that???  was that really mine???  And then I'm left without an answer as I move back into my comforting clippety clap on the keys.  I wonder if that says something about how I view my writing... or how I view myself.... Am I really constantly worrying about whether I'm being original or not?  Am I afraid I'm plagiarizing my life away?  Or maybe it just means that I simply enjoy being original.  I think that's true.

I feel I have such a liking to be original and unique that sometimes I use that desire as a way to separate myself from others.  I think, up until now, I've used my spirituality as a way to elevate myself up and away from others.  I sometimes think that my emotional work and my choice to seek to actively heal myself makes me better than other people.  Ugh... it hurts just writing that.  It's truth stings a bit... because it's oh so true... and I think I'm sick of this arrogance now.  And the truth of the opposite is also true.

I think, up until now, I've used my belief that I'm not attractive to elevate others up and away from me as well.  I've used this false belief to put me below others, specifically below women who I believe to be prettier and yes, better than me.  I don't want to judge others as below me or above me... because pedestals can be so lonely.  And what does it mean to be "better than the rest" anyway?  I feel I'm done with this cycle of superiority and inferiority... I just want to be myself.  I just want to dress in the morning however I want to, no matter what.  And I just want to love my body no matter what.  And I just want to love my appearance no matter what.  I just want to LOVE MYSELF NO MATTER WHAT.  

This week was quite a lethargic one for me.  I didn't exercise for myself at all, I didn't really consciously choose what I ate, I slept a lot and I watched far too much of the show "I Love Lucy"(Don't get me wrong, the show rules... I just have had my fill for awhile).   In the past, I would call this past week seven days of laziness, nonproductive choices, unhealthy eating and the possible beginning of a bout of depression.  But something was different this week.  As I was immersed in old behaviors, I had the notion... when I was choosing to sleep, watch tv, eat and "lay like broccoli", I asked myself if I was hiding when I was making these choices.  It turns out, the answer was no, I wasn't.

I was just over it.  Done.  Didn't want to be productive... didn't want to eat nutritious food... didn't want to do chores.... and anytime I tried to make a more productive choice, my body would speak up.  My belly would rumble or I'd feel hot all of a sudden... my body just kept telling me, "Stay down!"  I'm not sure why really, but my body didn't want to do anything.  So halfway through the week, I just accepted that choice and did my best to not judge it.  And today, I started feeling like I was finally coming out of the woods. 

Today, I realized that all those choices I was choosing to put on pause this week are good for me.  And I realized I was a bit sick of lying around and feeling lousy.  The patterns I was continuing this week altogether consisted of how I used to live my life... and I felt how draining those choices were.  Rest is awesome and so important but not all day long every day.  Those choices I stopped making this week keep me active and help me not just be healthy, but they help me feel healthy.  

Choosing to exercise gives me great energy and awesome sleep.  It also helps my positive outlook on the world and keeps me from too many bouts of being a "grumpers".  It gives me time to process any challenging upsets or just take some time for myself.  Consciously choosing to eat more nutritious food gives me great energy and gives me delicious meals to eat all day.  Also choosing healthier food tends to make my meals more interesting to me as well, there's more color on my plate and more flavour in my mouth.  Choosing to clean helps move the energy in my space around, freeing up more energy for me to use for positive things.  It also helps me focus my energy onto the things I want.  All of these choices help me... but what I didn't realize is that this week without those choices helped me too!

I got so sick of laying around today that I told myself it was the last day of nothing but rest.  Next week, I would choose differently!  Now I'm craving healthier food again!  I'm feeling like I'm craving walking in sunshine at the park. I'm missing my trips to the gym and my workouts on those awesome precor machines. I'm craving all these things that feed my body and my soul.  And I'm realizing more and more, once again, how I don't want my health to be all about losing weight.  I would LOVE to release weight, believe me, but I'm being reminded that it can't be my main focus.  

And maybe that's why I stopped making all these healthier choices in the first place!  Because the numbers on the scale were not matching how I felt.  I felt like I was losing weight and yet the numbers did their familiar dance on the scale.  This subconscious focus on weight loss did not serve me in the least bit.  But I am still grateful for my learnings this week... and for the rest, I am a sucker for afternoon naps and cuddle time. 

But perhaps my focus can be choosing something different this week.  Choosing those things that feed my body and soul.  And choosing not to judge myself when I feel I need a breather from these behaviors.  Choosing just to move forward and lean into the light. Choosing to love my chubs no matter what.  Choosing to love my body no matter what.  Choosing to love myself no matter what.

And what about the beauty I intended to see this week?  All week long, I kept wondering, "Where is that beauty I was gonna see this week???"  Looking back now, I suppose the beauty was myself and my choices and my honesty.  Because although I fell into some old patterns this week, I was still awake in my process and I was still honest with myself and others.  I wasn't hiding... I was just taking some time to breathe.  And it's good... because I NEEDED it.       

Steps to Redefining Beauty

I was inspired by a comment on my last blog.  The question posed was: "How often do (did) you find yourself hiding? And in what terrains???"  This question made me think about how I've chosen to hide my beauty in the past, as I feel like that is the place I hide the most.  

And as I've mulled over that thought this week, I find that I don't know if I've actually hidden my beauty so much as I've judged myself as hiding my beauty.  Okay, I wear comfortable clothes a lot and I don't really style my hair all that much.  I don't wear make up often and when I do, I don't wear tons.  I'm not a huge fan of heels of tight skirts.  But I don't feel like there's anything wrong with being comfortable in my skin AND in my clothes.  Yet a part of me still seems to be yearning for that magical makeover that I've seen young ingenues receive in movies.  

You know what I'm talking about!  Like in "The Princess Diaries" when Ann Hathaway gets her princess makeover and all of a sudden she is on her way to owning her beauty through etiquette lessons and learning how to walk in heels.  Or even in "Gypsy", when a young unsure Natalie Wood looks in the mirror and really experiences her beauty for the first time.  She has that moment, when she asks the question: "Is that really me??"  And boom!  Her beauty is hers!

These moments in movies used to make me go "Aww" in a sweet vulnerable way but now they kinda make me go "Ugh!" in an upset vulnerable way.  Why do women have to experience some form of radical change in their physical appearance in order to embrace and own their beauty?  The answer for myself feels like: "They don't. This is how movies show a girl's journey to defining and owning their beauty.  But it may not be the answer for everyone."  

I'm really feeling like it isn't the answer for me.  Beauty can't be something based just on looks.  Looks change... I'm wondering how I can awaken to my true beauty in a more meaningful sense to me... Because I feel like beauty has to be more than superficial appearances, it just has to be!  I'd like to believe that beauty survives and thrives with change.    

I'm a bit frustrated with God about my struggles with this... Because if God created my beauty, couldn't God have given me a map or instruction booklet on how to really find, accept, honor and display my beauty??? But I feel like it has to be easier than I am making it out to be.  I believe there is beauty in every single living thing and it can't be that hard to find that beauty.  I intend to create a map and instruction booklet for myself now.  And with that booklet, comes a lot of irrational beliefs I am releasing now...

Irrational belief #1:  "There is such a thing as inner versus outer beauty." - I feel this belief is total bull shit.  I feel it is a cop out.  I feel it is what people say when they don't feel it's polite or kind to tell someone that they don't find them attractive in any real way.  I can't recall myself actually saying this about someone, but I feel I've experienced this belief on the side of others believing I have inner beauty rather than outer beauty.  Fuck that!  I want beauty to be universal and this belief doesn't support that so it's gone now!

 

Irrational belief #2:  "Nature is the only true beauty." - Once again, I don't believe this statement anymore as I feel I've really experienced humanity as beautiful numerous times that I can't even count.  Nature is indeed beautiful, but nature and humanity aren't competing for "The Prettiest" Award in my head any more.  It's not a competition.  It just is.

Irrational belief #3: "If something or someone can be beautiful, it means that same thing or someone can be ugly." - I want to abolish most dichotomies from my redefinition of beauty as they tend to empower my judgments of others in order to make me feel better about myself.  So I choose not to believe in ugly right now in order to be more accepting and loving in my journey with my beauty. 

Irrational belief #4: "Youth is beauty.  Youth comes and goes, as does beauty." - While I would like to believe beauty is universal, I also want to believe that it is lasting.  I want to believe that about youth as well, but I feel that's a whole 'nother process altogether!  I want to believe that beauty is something that can never be taken away from me... it's like a birthright for everyone.  So that's what I choose to believe now.

Irrational belief #5:  "The only way to embrace my beauty is through making a radical, feminine change in how I dress or present myself." OR "The only way I can own my beauty is by wearing more dresses."  - This belief is so very much not true for me anymore.  If beauty is something both internal and external, universal and ever lasting then it really has nothing to do with my appearance.  I feel it has to do more with my perception and my intention.  If I come from a loving place within myself, all I will see will be loving and if I choose to come from a judgmental place within myself, then all I will see will be judgments.  So with that... my intention for this week is:  "I intend to experience beauty within myself and all around me by focusing my energy on loving myself and all that surrounds me." 

So what is the answer that comes up for me now, when I ask myself the question:  "What is beauty to me?" When I think about the beauty of humanity the word that comes forward is: "choice".  I find free will to be so very beautiful.  I find that when anyone makes a choice that is so very centered on our true nature of loving... that is very beautiful to me.  My blog is really beautiful to me and my choice to do this blog is very beautiful to me.  The comments and feedback I've received about this blog, both online and offline, are beautiful to me.  

Choice is very beautiful to me.  It is universal because we all have the power to choose, it is lasting because it feels like we never stop making choices and it is both internal and external in that we make choices both internally and externally.  I feel that beauty is choice because it also points to asking how we choose to see the world.  What is our perception?  Where are we coming from within ourselves that makes us see beautiful or ugly?  This week, I choose to see beauty.  I'll let you know how that goes.... 

...So, what do you choose to see?  

My First Time

So...it's my first time blogging.  I've done live journal before, back in the day... but that was kind of a disaster of sorts.  Most of the time my blog was like a string of freeform writing sessions and pity parties.  Each blog was like another new episode of emotions - just bursting with a commitment to beating myself up with a very "emo" sensibility.  And I've posted comments on MySpace and Facebook and the like, with sweet sentiments and comments of love and light and such.... But... I've never shared myself in a blog in the way I intend to now.

I created this blog in order to write about my Lenten experience from Ash Wednesday to Easter.  Yes, yes everyone says that Lent is a period of 40 days, but if you do the math, Lent is actually 47 days long.  Apparently, we're not supposed to count the Sundays between Ash Wednesday and Easter... those are considered days of "rest".  But my commitment is for the whole 47 days... I want to be thorough in my choice this year.

And what did I give up????

I gave up hiding.  I gave up keeping secrets... from myself and others.

This has been an old pattern of mine, choosing to keep secrets and to hide important bits of myself from the spotlight... or from any light for that matter.  

So I gave up hiding... with the intention of shedding light on whatever needs it.  I'm essentially taking pause and shaking hands with my Shadow - saying "Hello and Welcome!" to all those things I keep hidden from view.

Now, I intend to bring things to the light that will help me connect with my true nature of loving... whether it's by unlocking my potential or releasing old habits I no longer need.  So it's not like I'm going to start yelling obscenities at people that piss me off because I get angry... nor will I harm anyone in any way, shape or form.  This isn't about forcing myself on others... it's about sharing my thoughts, my feelings in an honest caring manner.  This is about my choice to step more fully into who I really am... a being of light, love and learning.  I intend to shed light on the dark corners of my heart and on the dusty corners of my choices in service to my light, healing and well being.  I intend to feel the fear, and do it anyway.  I intend to live brave.  And I intend to be open to however this pattern of hiding will show itself to me.  I intend to respond creatively and lovingly to my reality.  I intend to work with whatever comes forward with ease and grace. 

And with that being said... I bet you're wondering what's happened with me since Ash Wednesday.  How is my little spiritual experiment going?

Honestly, it's been pretty tame but very enlightening thus far.  I find that when I choose to really say what I mean and ask for what I want, things tend to go much smoother for me.  And I feel more connected to others... I'm aware that secrets can keep others away from me and now that that barrier is a bit transparent, I feel more open to other people around me.  

There is one challenging issue that has surfaced though, and I'm working through how I want to work with it.  I feel that, in the past, I have had a tendency to hide my body and my physical appearance in a few ways... One way is by wearing pajamas or exercise clothes half the time.  I like being comfortable but I worry that my clothing choices may not be really expressing myself the way I'd like to as of this moment.  And I feel I hide myself sometimes physically because I have issues with accepting my personal beauty.  (A word of caution: This is not me asking for compliments.)  I get compliments often about my appearance but it's like they don't reach me somehow.  It's as if, at the core of my being, I don't believe that I am beautiful.  And even if a man were to choose to sit in front of me for 1,000 hours just telling me I'm beautiful over and over... I still don't think I would believe it.  It's not about hearing compliments.... it's about feeling beautiful.  And feeling like I'm enough.  It's about self worth.  And I'm kind of at a blank page when I think about how to work with this issue as of this point.  I'm comfortable with taking my time with this issue though, as I feel how deep it goes and how old it really is.  It's a big one... and I want to be thorough in how I work with myself with letting go of this need to be beautiful or even to feel beautiful.

Maybe it is my definition of the word "beauty" that is calling for some redefining.  This is something I must think on and get back to you about.

And also a word about my blog... I am open to feedback of sorts from anyone who reads this.  But I caution you that unless I directly ask for advice or suggestions, I am not really open to them in that moment.  However if you have a similar issue or experience that you'd like to share I'd be down to hear it.  I want this blog to be more about questions than it is about answers.  Thank you for your time and for your reading.  Light to you.