My First Time

So...it's my first time blogging.  I've done live journal before, back in the day... but that was kind of a disaster of sorts.  Most of the time my blog was like a string of freeform writing sessions and pity parties.  Each blog was like another new episode of emotions - just bursting with a commitment to beating myself up with a very "emo" sensibility.  And I've posted comments on MySpace and Facebook and the like, with sweet sentiments and comments of love and light and such.... But... I've never shared myself in a blog in the way I intend to now.

I created this blog in order to write about my Lenten experience from Ash Wednesday to Easter.  Yes, yes everyone says that Lent is a period of 40 days, but if you do the math, Lent is actually 47 days long.  Apparently, we're not supposed to count the Sundays between Ash Wednesday and Easter... those are considered days of "rest".  But my commitment is for the whole 47 days... I want to be thorough in my choice this year.

And what did I give up????

I gave up hiding.  I gave up keeping secrets... from myself and others.

This has been an old pattern of mine, choosing to keep secrets and to hide important bits of myself from the spotlight... or from any light for that matter.  

So I gave up hiding... with the intention of shedding light on whatever needs it.  I'm essentially taking pause and shaking hands with my Shadow - saying "Hello and Welcome!" to all those things I keep hidden from view.

Now, I intend to bring things to the light that will help me connect with my true nature of loving... whether it's by unlocking my potential or releasing old habits I no longer need.  So it's not like I'm going to start yelling obscenities at people that piss me off because I get angry... nor will I harm anyone in any way, shape or form.  This isn't about forcing myself on others... it's about sharing my thoughts, my feelings in an honest caring manner.  This is about my choice to step more fully into who I really am... a being of light, love and learning.  I intend to shed light on the dark corners of my heart and on the dusty corners of my choices in service to my light, healing and well being.  I intend to feel the fear, and do it anyway.  I intend to live brave.  And I intend to be open to however this pattern of hiding will show itself to me.  I intend to respond creatively and lovingly to my reality.  I intend to work with whatever comes forward with ease and grace. 

And with that being said... I bet you're wondering what's happened with me since Ash Wednesday.  How is my little spiritual experiment going?

Honestly, it's been pretty tame but very enlightening thus far.  I find that when I choose to really say what I mean and ask for what I want, things tend to go much smoother for me.  And I feel more connected to others... I'm aware that secrets can keep others away from me and now that that barrier is a bit transparent, I feel more open to other people around me.  

There is one challenging issue that has surfaced though, and I'm working through how I want to work with it.  I feel that, in the past, I have had a tendency to hide my body and my physical appearance in a few ways... One way is by wearing pajamas or exercise clothes half the time.  I like being comfortable but I worry that my clothing choices may not be really expressing myself the way I'd like to as of this moment.  And I feel I hide myself sometimes physically because I have issues with accepting my personal beauty.  (A word of caution: This is not me asking for compliments.)  I get compliments often about my appearance but it's like they don't reach me somehow.  It's as if, at the core of my being, I don't believe that I am beautiful.  And even if a man were to choose to sit in front of me for 1,000 hours just telling me I'm beautiful over and over... I still don't think I would believe it.  It's not about hearing compliments.... it's about feeling beautiful.  And feeling like I'm enough.  It's about self worth.  And I'm kind of at a blank page when I think about how to work with this issue as of this point.  I'm comfortable with taking my time with this issue though, as I feel how deep it goes and how old it really is.  It's a big one... and I want to be thorough in how I work with myself with letting go of this need to be beautiful or even to feel beautiful.

Maybe it is my definition of the word "beauty" that is calling for some redefining.  This is something I must think on and get back to you about.

And also a word about my blog... I am open to feedback of sorts from anyone who reads this.  But I caution you that unless I directly ask for advice or suggestions, I am not really open to them in that moment.  However if you have a similar issue or experience that you'd like to share I'd be down to hear it.  I want this blog to be more about questions than it is about answers.  Thank you for your time and for your reading.  Light to you.